So much can change in a year. And so much can stay the same. We came close to pulling the trigger and buying a bigger trailer last month – close enough to accept a counter offer from a dealer who was then too lazy to dig the one we wanted out from behind another two on his lot, thereby losing the sale. Perhaps a sign: what we have is enough. So we’re driving down Highway 17 into Santa Cruz, three car seats in the back of the truck instead of just two, and two dogs in the same trailer instead of just one. Some things still the same, some significantly different.
In my mind I’m already remodeling our little trailer - I love the size of it and want to fit in it but a year ago yesterday little Clavey was conceived, emerging into the trailer community three months ago. Already we can’t remember what life was like B.C.: thinking about our two-week trip last Christmas I tend to insert him into the memories, such is life with a newborn. Remodeling my memory along with our lives and eventually, our trailer.
I have a little bit of guilt that since our day at the soup kitchen last Christmas we haven’t volunteered at homeless shelters, built homes with Habitat for Humanity, planted more trees. I’m a laptop activist instead this year, signing petitions online, writing to my congresspeople, shopping for Christmas gifts on the Hunger Site and the Breast Cancer Site. But it’s about balance. I haven’t had a whole lot more to give as far as energy goes: we’ve chosen jobs that are meaningful in a way that can be looked at as being altruistic – watching my husband’s first year as a teacher and the amount of time, effort and supplies he’s “donated” and how that’s involved sacrifice from all of us gives me a sense of absolution from the sins of not doing enough. We donate a lot through our rafting company as well, and we work hard at being good community members. I feel as good as I think I can about how we live, knowing always that we can do better. Striving for balance. 
We had a good run in the trailer this year. We drove home January 1, fulfilled from our trip and excited to travel more. Just after we found out that we were expecting, the trailer housed river guides who flew in from far distances for the memorial service for Brooke, a fellow guide. We did a long weekend at Sunset Beach in Santa Cruz in the spring, then drove north with it for spring break, having decided that morning to leave and that first night loving the convenience when we pulled off the highway into a tiny campground in a forest, parked, and the kids climbed back into their beds and were asleep within minutes. I felt like we were an enormous turtle or snail, self-contained and at home on the road. Four days later I felt slow as a snail towing the trailer at a max speed of 65 heading for an airport, trying to get to Seattle in time for the birth of my nephew. The trailer didn’t fail me.
We did one last trip as a family of four, escaping for a rare river season work-free weekend to Santa Cruz where my sister joined us at the KOA for two nights. As winter campers we got a taste of why it’s worth braving colder temperatures for smaller crowds, but loved the escape from the dry heat and the chance to change our scene for a little while. John and Angie camped in the trailer at Max and Willow’s wedding at Camp Lotus, needing a better bed at 8 months pregnant than a tent and a paco pad would provide.
Ever since we found out we were pregnant we’ve thought about getting a bigger trailer to accommodate our bigger family. We expanded by another dog as well, so we’re a significantly larger community than we were a year ago. But as the famous quote goes, perhaps a change of self is needed more than a change of scene. We’ve never used our kitchen sink, used the stove two or three times, and we’ll never use the shower, so there’s our extra bed: some work to remodel, but quite possible. And cheaper than a new trailer. Tom’ll be off the floor and the dogs can have their space back – I hope we’ll be overcrowded with two dogs for a long time. We’ll figure out the awning for the rain, fix the lights and the electricity eventually.
Tom spent the three days prior to this trip putting laminate flooring in our house. If we weren’t going away, he said, he needed a home project and this one’s been on the top of my list. One three-day project and it looks like a whole new space. So now I’m dreaming of putting the leftover flooring in the trailer, painting the trailer walls when we paint our kitchen, and using the old couch covers to make new curtains. It’s not at all that I’m unhappy with the trailer – I just envision how it can be better. Same goes for me – I’m planning on another marathon in the New Year, rock climbing again (if we go with another adult who can watch the baby), publishing something (as a goal to write more regularly and to get it out there), and as a family volunteering more so I can instill in my children and myself a sense of gratitude for all we do have, and empowering us by serving those in need. I’m happy with who I am, but I know I can be better.
